Why You Don’t Want Sex — And What To Do About It
If you’ve been wondering why your sex drive has disappeared, let me offer you a possibility you’ve probably never heard before:
You don’t want sex… because the sex you’re having isn’t worth wanting.
I know, that might sound a little harsh. But I say it with love—and with the deepest understanding.
Because I’ve been there. And so have the hundreds of women I’ve worked with.
They weren’t broken. Their hormones weren’t the issue. Their marriages weren’t doomed.
They were just stuck in a cycle that so many of us fall into:
Saying yes when we mean “I guess”
Rushing through sex just to get it over with
Pretending we’re into it to protect our partner’s ego
Feeling disconnected, tense, and totally out of our bodies
It’s not that you have a low libido.
It’s that your body learned: “This kind of sex isn’t for me.”
The Myth of Spontaneous Desire
We’ve been taught that if you’re not “in the mood” out of nowhere, there’s something wrong.
But that’s not how most women’s desire works.
What you’re likely experiencing is something called responsive desire. That means your body responds after you’ve had time to warm up emotionally and physically. Not before.
It’s normal to not crave sex at the drop of a hat. That doesn’t mean you don’t like sex. It just means you need better conditions to want it.
Think of it like a flower. You can’t yell at a flower for not blooming. You have to water it, give it sunlight, and be patient.
3 Things You Can Do Right Now To Shift
If your body has been saying “no” to sex lately, try these three simple (but powerful) shifts:
1. Stop expecting spontaneous arousal
Your body isn’t a light switch. It needs time and space to shift gears out of life mode and into sensual mode. Try planning “bridging activities” like a hot shower, a slow cuddle, or even just 5 minutes of intentional deep breathing before jumping into intimacy.
2. Start saying “maybe” instead of “no”
Instead of answering “Do you want to have sex?” with a hard yes or no, try “I’m not sure yet—can we warm up and see how I feel?” This gives your body a chance to respond instead of shutting down immediately.
3. Make pleasure the goal—not performance
Forget orgasms for a minute. Forget whether it “goes anywhere.” What would it feel like to just explore? To touch without expectations? To let yourself be present with sensation and breath?
You’re Not Alone (And You’re Not Broken)
You are not a bad partner. You are not broken. You are not too complicated.
You just need a different approach—one that actually centers you and what your body needs to feel safe, connected, and turned on.
If this post spoke to you, I created a free quiz that can help you figure out your personal recipe for desire. It’ll show you exactly which area to focus on first, based on your body and patterns.
👉 [Take the quiz here]
You deserve a sex life that feels exciting, connected, and true to you.
And it starts with understanding how you work—not how you think you should be.